Perfectionists strive to be perfect—it’s all in the name. It is a type of behavior where a person feels the pressure, either from internal or external sources, to achieve the best they can all of the time. Unfortunately, this expectation can also be transferred to those around them as well. While it’s not necessarily bad, it’s important to be aware and conscious of how perfectionism can cause strain in relationships.
This is relevant in relationships because while you want a supportive partner who challenges you to be the best version of yourself, sometimes that goal of being perfect can feel unattainable to a perfectionist. Basically, it can lead to the feeling that you need to be perfect or your partner needs to be perfect and feeling disappointed when perfection is not achieved.
It’s important to watch this because it can begin to impact your mental health and your partner’s. In some cases, it can lead to sabotaging a relationship and, ultimately, the demise of a relationship.
Here is how perfection affects relationships and how to avoid the common pitfalls.
Increased Disdain or Bitterness
What’s Happening:
The age-old saying goes, “There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship.” When there’s an intense desire to be perfect, you will find that someone is almost always upset or frustrated because a moment or occasion isn’t perfect.
There’s an overall need or desire for the perfect relationship and for it to be full of joy and happy moments. Instead, you can find that if someone makes a mistake or fails to meet expectations, there’s inherited bitterness or frustration.
How to Avoid:
Instead, try to set realistic goals and expectations for relationships. While having standards is fine (and normal), it’s important to ensure those standards and relationship goals are attainable and sustainable.
Forgiveness is Not an Option
What’s Happening:
This goes along with the first issue. When expectations and goals are not met, it’s seen as unacceptable, intolerable, or, in some cases, unforgivable. It’s hard for a perfectionist to forgive because these expectations or goals are not met, which means failure instead of being acceptable.
How to Avoid:
Set dealbreakers. It’s normal to have things that are unforgivable in a relationship. It’s important and healthy to have those dealbreakers and limits in place, but it’s just as important to make sure that any small issue is forgivable. If you’re constantly worried about failing or your partner failing, that’s not healthy. It’s important to set realistic expectations in a relationship.
There’s No Such Thing as a Compromise
What’s Happening:
When you aim for perfection, there are no gray areas. It’s either a yes or no, one way or another. If your partner doesn’t agree with you or if something negative happens, it can be seen as they no longer care about you or love you. It’s seen as a major slight instead of an accident or something minor. For some who struggle with perfectionism, compromise is an unacceptable outcome.
How to Avoid:
This one is definitely easier said than done for some, but it’s important to be willing to compromise with your partner in order to have a successful relationship. It’s important to note that there’s a big difference between giving in to things that you don’t agree with or believe in versus compromising.
Ultimately, there’s nothing wrong with having standards or expectations in a relationship, but it’s also important to realize that nothing in life is perfect. A perfect relationship is unachievable, and striving for one can spell doom.
If you or your loved one are struggling with perfectionism, therapy can help. Couples or individual therapy can help ease the expectations of perfectionism. Call our therapy office in Aventura, FL today to set up an appointment.